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Ms. Fix-It

January 8, 2010

Initially, I thought I’d write about something else today. I thought I’d write later. But while you are reading this, I will be in Los Angeles taking an exam. I will be metaphorically losing my shit in some federal building.

A friend always tells me to have faith: in my life, in the right thing happening, in myself. The truth is, having faith is hard for me — it’s hard to let someone or something else be in control, when I’ve always been the one in the driver’s seat, making the unexpected happen for myself. Without pushing myself, I feel, my life would have been predictable and predictably not at all what I want or hope for myself.

So this having faith thing, which I am regularly told to do, is hard. And I have to have faith that I am prepared to take this exam, like I have to have faith in jobs and relationships working out. And even though I have to do this, I have to relinquish some control lest I lose my shit in a more fundamental losing of shit than I currently am, I am scared and it is hard.

I used to think that the act of having faith in something outside yourself was weakness. Now I am not so sure. Because right now, given the choice between trusting another or making it right for myself, I would take the option to make it right myself. Not having that open, I find myself giving up a little control, reluctantly and with great fear.

Tonight, I am just hoping that having faith is not a sign of failure. I am hoping that this seedling of faith is not a sign that I am going to fail. And I am hoping that my own inability to “fix” this fear is not a sign that things won’t turn out all right in the end.

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