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Finally! A good day!

December 31, 2009

I think it has become increasingly clear that I have given up hope. Just a little. For quite a while I was engaged in magical thinking and believing that all would work out in the nick of time. Then my self-imposed deadline for the nick of time would come and go and there would be no salvation. Not that I could identify.

Today I am not feeling that there is salvation. Maybe a kind of intervention, but not that leaves me feeling that I am ultimately and finally saved from myself or anything else. No, today I am feeling that there is … a kind of fragile and intangible rightness and relief in my world, coupled with deep sadness that there are others whose moment of fragile rightness is probably not now, who are probably seeing their hope break as mine has been, who are trying to keep the shattered pieces of themselves together in the face of their despair.

I must remember to keep my despair in line with the situation. That it’s never as bad as I assume until it is that bad. I have been giving in — out of pain and fear and irresponsibility.

Tomorrow I plan to go make someone else’s world a little more right by doing some volunteer work for the hungry. It won’t make up for my irresponsible despair, but maybe it will ease another person’s.

Ed note: Originally published December 18, 2009.

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